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INDUSTRY THERMOMETER
BY RICHARD JOHNSTON

The Comic Book Thermometer - taking the temperature of the comic book industry since… ooh, a couple of weeks ago.

This week's run around comics with a vaguely-topical-yet-slightly-mocking-but-only-in-a-celebratory-sense question to a bunch of comic book professionals, went as follows…

"What fellow comic book professional would you like to have run for the American Presidency? What policies, what issues, what debate questions, what slogan, what scandal could you have foreseen?"

See? Topicality is my middle name. And yes, I used to get bullied as a result.

So who said what?

Harlan Ellison. The slogan? "Vote for Me or Die. Seriously. I Know People."

Most impressive would have been his solution to the Israel/Palestinian situation: To build a large wall around the entirety of Israel with a small door that we open and peek in through every ten years or so to see if they're still killing each other. If the answer is yes, we close the door and check back a decade later.

-- Peter David. Author of Fallen Angel for DC Comics.

Howard Chaykin. Besides being a good friend so I'm betting I'd get to sleep over in the Lincoln bedroom WITHOUT having to pony up, Howard's AMERICAN FLAGG comic book convinced me that he has a better handle on the future--and the very near future--than anybody else I can think of! And his presidency would provide AM talk radio here in the States endless hours of airwave-filling commentary! Jobs all round!

-- Walter Simonson artist for Elric.

Greg Rucka. Because he'd be honest, the debates would be worth TiVoing and I'd get to have dinner at the White House.

-- Geoff Johns author of Flash.

Hm, let's see. Can we find a group of people less worthy of being in control of a large country than the American political community? Oh, look. There's the professional comics community. Colleen Doran. Face of an angel with the brain of Attila The Hun. Campaign slogan is "YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE: A Southern Belle With Lots Of Guns." There's a Southern Strategy for you. And she'd secure the female and gay vote by installing Viggo Mortensen as VP.

I think we'd have to get used to a slightly more radioactive atmosphere, mind.

-- Warren Ellis, author of Global Frequency

There aren't comics professionals qualified enough to run and lose.

-- Robert Morales, author of Captain America and Truth.

John Wagner. No one would mess with him in the White House.

Policies: Well assuming I was his campaign manager I'd just grab a copy of each Dredd book he wrote and throw it at congress and say "copy that".

Issues: Comics would be mandatory reading in schools. Especially mine.

Slogan: "Ah, bollocks"

Scandal: Brit running America, turns out to be an American! O. My. God. Can we contain the irony?? WHAT irony? Does anyone reading this really know what irony IS? I sure as hell don't, but it's always good to chuck it in there, like those big ten-dollar (Ł5.45 or €7.35) words I often misunderestimate.

Debate: "is Jill Kelly over the hill?"

-- Frazer Irving, artist for Judge Death and Shaun Of The Dead.

I would like to see Frank Miller run for President.

He would nuke everyone who disagrees with him. If he didn't nuke them, he would shoot them full of holes. All would love him and despair. And there would be large portions of real estate that would be glass.

There would be no scandal because he wouldn't be ashamed of anything and he would drink hooch right there on camera in front of God and everybody in the Democratic Party.

He would kick the French out of the Ivory Coast screaming "No Blood For Cocoa!"

Anyone who would ask him" But Mr Miller, you don't really mean we should just kill all our enemies?" would elicit the following response; "F**k yeah, I do."

He doesn't even nuance his use of black and white in comics, so he wouldn't nuance sh*t in the White House.

I love Frank Miller.

(Most of the above is a joke and should not be taken seriously by anyone, except the part about how much I love Frank Miller.)

-- Colleen Doran, author of A Distant Soil, artist for Stealth Tribes

none...really. maybe at one time, Archie Goodwin, but that boat has sailed.

Jimmy Palmiotti, author of Monolith.

Many of the most eloquent, intelligent and articulate people I've ever met have been members of the comics industry. I'm torn between two of those, my good friend, CBLDF director and Top Shelf publisher Chris Staros and comics scribe Kurt Busiek. I'm not necessarily a huge Busiek fan (although Astro City is rare quality) and I've never heard Kurt speak publicly, but as a fellow member of an e-group I've read a lot of his spontaneous comments, and he always puts forward a concise, reasoned argument with which I rarely disagree. He would make a fine President, I'm sure, although he may have to shave off his beard to get elected.

Chris would also make a fabulous leader of the Western World - but because he never wears long pants and because I still need him to rep Strangehaven Stateside, I'd have to say VOTE BUSIEK.

-- Gary Spencer Millidge author of Strangehaven.

And as for me? Well, clearly John Byrne. On the basis, that if you have to have a political leader, you might as well get some entertainment value out of it.

-- Rich Johnston, author of Holed Up: http://www.avatar.net and Lying In The Gutters: http://litg.comicbookresources.com

If you'd like to join the Thermometer list, e-mail Rich Johnston at richjohnston@gmail.com

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